36 & an half things I've learnt by the age of 49 and all but 50
1. You are quite surprised you've made it to this age and are still reasonably sane
2. As a photographer, everyone involved in your shoot always know best about colour and will show you this by the use of heinous, over-saturated Instagram filters when they repost your work
3. Don't be a douche. No one likes a douche. Not even other douches.
4. The only drama you need now is Downton Abbey
5. If you are a vegetarian, you are; a tree hugging hippy, a picky eater, or an idiot who doesn't understand the world.
I'm not eating your burger, take that as a plus instead.
6. When you least need it there will always be a screaming baby/toddler on a bus or train you are on. Now your reaction is 'dear god, I'm glad we're past that'
7. You make lots of lists
8. Shopping at Sainsburys on a Saturday morning now feels very similar to ten minutes on a punchbag
9. Any wisdom you will have imparted to your children will be dutifully ignored
10. We'd be living in 'The Purge' if people were as bad as they are on social media versus how they are in real life
11. You can have loads of mates but have very few friends
12. More lists
13. There are nice people in the world no matter how many ass holes you come across
14. Read more about the worlds Geopolitical landscape. We are and always have been living in interesting times.
15. I can no longer listen to anything by Metallica without wincing at the lyrics
16. You can now see how people lose their shit on packed tubes trains
17. Like the Queen song, friends will be friends.... until they're not.
18. Some people get older and their worlds get smaller. Don't get bitter. Accept change and embrace it. You aren't the first person this has happened too
19. With a contentious post on Facebook, count to 600 and then reply calmly.
19.5 With a contentious post on Instagram - Reply with wacky emojis to express your deep thoughts and emotional state. Firetruck, Rose, Terminator, Duck, Duck, Werewolf Lightning bolt.
20. Take everything above as gospel
21. Or don't. Critical thinking is the key to getting this far and questioning what you're told to accept. Except flat Earth theory. I don't know where to even begin with that
22. Adults look stupid on scooters
23. Getting home from a concert late at night now gives you the same sense of accomplishment that Frodo must have felt at getting to the cracks of Doom in Mordor
24. Having a drink in a pub now means ohing and ahing continuously for three hours like an insane nodding dog because I can't hear what anyone is saying
25. Marvel at how men of my age and older still can't pick up the toilet seat before peeing
26. Man babies on the Internet. We all know them. We all don't want to know them
27. Chocolate bars are now smaller but they cost more. Your stomach knows this
28. Invariably you'll be the baddie in someone else's story
29. Losing my hair has allowed my partner far more bathroom time
30. If you've ever watched Celebrity Love Island, deliberately, I'm surprised you're reading this and that we are friends
31. Marry or be with your best friend. As long as they are okay with it of course
32. Unless you know something the rest of us don't know, get off your bum and go live, love and enjoy life. You get one go of this unless you believe in re-carnation. But then you won't remember it anyway so live this life well
33. Cats make everything better
34. Living well really is the best way to stick it to people who don't like you
35. Family. Can't live with them, can't shoot them
36. Religious connotations aside this saying resonates with me "There but for the Grace of God go I"